UK supermarkets and retailers have urged both fat, sweaty halfwits and rich, greedy twats to start hoarding and panic buying again, after news that a minor "lockdown" will be needed to halt the spread of Covid-19.
"We need these morons to spend," said one. "We'll even help you fill your car with 2,000 bog rolls, half a tonne of pasta, and a lettuce. It's good for offshore bank accounts and shareholders."
UK shoppers faced with the prospect of pubs shutting early, and not being able to remove face masks whilst eating at Pizza Hut have responded with a mixed attitude.
"It's horrible," said a Sharon from Essex. "My arse is huge, and I need that bog paper!" she exclaimed.
"Hubby has his own TV company, and my friend, Tarquin, is planning to corner the market in rice and tampons, so why should I worry?" said another.
A spokesperson pointed out, though: "It's good for the retail sector when the insane and educationally subnormal spend everything they have on tins of beans, bog roll and dried pasta."
Another added: "Filming yummy mummys tearing each others' faces off over the last bottle of hand sanitizer did wonders for our YouTube channel. Please bring it back!"
We did ask Waitrose for comment, but, at the moment, they are too up themselves to bother replying.