Rock Star too Cool to Wear a Mask

Funny story written by Peejay Adams

Thursday, 17 September 2020

image for Rock Star too Cool to Wear a Mask
I'm too sexy for my mask.

Mancunian rock legend Eamonn Docherty has revealed the reasons that he refuses to wear a face mask during the current Coronavirus pandemic.

Docherty, who rose to fame in the 1990s with his band Watering Hole, has upset many by claiming that he is simply too cool to cover up.

At a socially-distanced press conference near to his home in London, the ageing rocker declared that masks are strictly for soft, southern wimps, and that he would continue to spread germs with gay abandon.

"I'm a rock 'n' roller, y'know," he explained, "we do things differently."

"You never saw Eddie Cochrane dressed like a surgeon, did you? You know why? 'Cos he never did! Elvis, Chuck Berry, Jimi Hendrix, Cliff Richard - you name me one single rock god that's ever worn a bloody rag around their face. You can't, can you? It just don't happen.

"Just look at Marc Bolan, man. Dude was too cool even to wear a seat-belt. Did Kurt Cobain bother to put the safety-catch on when he shot himself? Did Michael Hutchence practise safe sex? Course they didn't! They were geezers, man, they didn't need no health and safety nonsense. And neither do I. I'm gonna live forever!"

"I'm from the north of England, right. And that makes me at least two hundred and eleven times harder than any bloody southerner. You could shoot me in the head, and it wouldn't stop me. You could probably do it twice. Or that one that's once more than twice, for that matter. My coolness is like a bullet-proof vest, and even if it wasn't, my fans would dive in to take the virus for me. They love me, man. I'm wonderful, and they love it. And I've got great hair!"

When an NME journalist mentioned that masks were, primarily, for the protection of others, she was lambasted by the rapidly-fading has-been.

"No disrespect, love", he snarled, "but you're just a chick. You don't know nothing about rock 'n' roll. It just ain't your job in life. No offence or nothing, but you really oughta be at home doing the dishes. Birds just don't understand the important stuff. If you lot can't be arsed to ask me how brilliant I am, I'm not going to stick around to answer. The big hand's on the ten, and I've gotta meet our kid for a dust-up at Spoon's at midday, You can all bog off now. I'm bored of this."

Docherty, who had previously been considered to be somewhat smarter than his younger sibling Trevor, then proceeded to kick over the table, shout "Roll with that, you tossers!" and stomp out of the room.

Watering Hole's new album, "Yet Another Tribute to John Lennon", will be released on Monday.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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