A foaming nutjob from the Metropolitan Police has announced, today, that they will publicly arrest Highgate Cemetery in London for breaking the new 'Rule of Six', which comes into force on Monday.
"It's a public place!" they announced. "And there's a lot more than six people in it. Some of them have been there for bloody years, and refuse to disperse."
When it was pointed out that the vast majority of them were dead, we were told that being dead is one of the major factors in vagrancy, street crime and other antisocial activities such as "going outside without a licence", all of which are in direct breach of government distancing guidelines.
"It's also full of lefties and communists. Karl Marx has been hanging around there for ages!" we were told. They went on to add:
"A few of them, like Jeremy Beadle or Malcolm McLaren, are still wanted for crimes against humanity. Don't you remember that 'You've Been Framed' crap from the 80s? And, as for that Buffalo Girls nonsense, well...."
When asked what the Met were doing to counter the rising levels of violent crime, rioting and looting in the capital, we were told:
"Oh, we don't do that anymore. Far too much paperwork. We just leave that sort of thing to social services."