Five Ways To Tell You've Already Had Covid-19

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 9 September 2020

image for Five Ways To Tell You've Already Had Covid-19
Quite what this woman is indicating, is unclear

The Coronavirus, Covid-19, continues to spread, and the worldwide number of infected cases continues to rise.

Doctors say that, even after almost nine months of having to deal with the virus, their knowledge is extremely limited.

Incubation periods seem to differ from person to person, as does the duration of the illness. Whilst some people are immune, others are struck down, and eventually succumb. Many others are affected, but to differing degrees. Some experience a 'bad cold', others a 'mild flu', whilst some are hospitalized and need ventilator treatment before they can recover.

Some people don't even notice they've had Covid-19, until a retrospective test confirms it.

With all this doubt and uncertainty, have decided to provide a definitive guide to how to tell you've already had Covid-19.

1) You cough for 24 hours per day

It just crept up on you 'unnoticed', but now you cough without stopping - even during your sleep. You've adapted to this, however, by somehow managing to doze through the appalling attacks.

2) You don't want to go back to work

Nothing unusual about that, of course! WHO wants to work? But this is different. You feel so lethargic, that even thinking about work makes you feverish, and lays you low again. Besides, there's no point in being over-enthusiastic and rushing back to work just so that you can win the 'Employee of the Month' award - the firm is most likely bankrupt.

3) You want to get into other people's throats

You don't know quite why, but you feel an impulsive urge to get inside everyone you meet by way of their throat. You have some vague, hazy notion of heading towards their lungs, once inside.

You have been 'possessed' by Covid-19, and now think like it does.

4) You suffer from shortness of breath

It could be your age, of course, but not if you're under 50. Your heart beats faster and you start to gasp for air at the slightest bit of exertion. This is particularly noticeable when the lift is out of order and you have to climb the stairs to the 19th floor, you scarper from the scene of a crime, or you have just completed the London Marathon.

5) You're dead

If there were any lingering doubts, this should put them to bed. Forever. And don't worry too much about it. To every black cloud, there is a silver lining, and the silver lining here, is that you'll no longer have to put up with the government's shambolic handling of the crisis.

We hope that this guide has been helpful to you, and that you don't yet fall into any of the categories. Meanwhile, try to ensure you stay as healthy as you can, and away from other people.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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