The UK government this weekend announced changes to nationwide restrictions on movement, while still maintaining the physical distancing rules necessary to limit the spread of coronavirus.
In a rambling half-hour speech, Boris Johnson listed as many guidelines and new rules as he could remember from the envelope he had scrawled them down upon earlier that day.
"Stay alert," he said sleepily. "Stay awake. Oh, wake up, Boris!"
"Errr.. Control the...virus? Protect the...rich?"
After an apparent coffee break, he began to speak more confidently. "We believe that it is time to ask the nation to send your children back to work. There are chimerneys that need sweeping, and workhouses with gallons of gruel going stale. But that's not all."
"Our chilthren are our future. I have spaffed out another one now, you know. Wilbur, I think? Winston? Whatever it is."
"It is of the utmost importance to our ecomoney that we educate our younglings in the realitisations of the modern workplace. They are not only our future but they are apparently immune to coronavirus too. Therefore I am sending them out to do all their parents' jobs."
He summarised, "This Monday, send your kids to do your job, while you stay at home, put your feet up and enjoy the day at home masturbating and drinking tea. I know it's what I'll be doing. Again."