Actor's one-man show will go on

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Saturday, 28 March 2020

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Renowned thespian, Geoff Act, has insisted that his one-man show at London's Prince Andrew Theatre will continue, despite the global pandemic. He will perform his three-hour monologue, My Word!, to empty seats until the run finishes in August.

"I'm doing it for the theatre," crooned the 76-year-old actor. "Those people in the seats, they don't know the art. But the theatre knows. Its carpets reek of drama. I'd rather perform to the empty space than to the plebs. At fifteen pounds a seat, they get all sorts in here."

Sir Act is the great-grandson of Albert Act, who invented acting. He is understandably proud of upholding the family tradition. When asked if he would like the show to be broadcast to a television audience, he angrily refused.

"I can't bear the thought of some Northern oik who has never been to London, or even a perfunctory local theatre, flipping through the channels on his black and white television set, and, by accident, seeing me performing the highest of art. The very thought of his unknowing eyes and his clammy pie-stuffed mouth makes me retch."

Act's production is a personal one about his experiences as an actor. In it he talks about the pleasure of seeing important people come to the theatre to watch great actors, such as himself, perform. Critics have described it as "unbearable self-indulgent garbage", and "the worst thing ever put on stage".

Tickets are not available for sale.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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