As terror, panic, and irrational fear continue to spread through each and every household in Great Britain, the horror finally reached Stoke-on-Trent yesterday, when a woman tidying her 15-year-old son's bedroom found the one thing she hadn't wanted to find - Coronavirus spores - hiding under the bed.
Karen Low-cal was rummaging around under the bed of her son, Child C, when she spotted a green blob glowing in the dark. She takes up the story:
I thought it was one of those glow-in-the dark efforts, but, as I grabbed it, I heard squeaks, and I knew immediately it was the Coronavirus!"
She acted instinctively and without hesitation:
"I went straight downstairs and put them in a jam jar. Then I took it to the local pharmacy to let them have a look."
The local pharmacist, Mr. Duncan Whitehurst, initially reticent, agreed to have a closer inspection. Later, he said:
"It's not really my line, of course, deadly viruses, and that sort of thing. I'm more used to giving people their prescriptions, telling them to 'wrap up warm', and giving advice about medication for diarrhoea, but I was a little curious, it's fair to say."
After he'd been asked to get on with it, he said:
"Yes, well, I realised that it was one of those glow-in-the-dark Rolex watches that kids have. Nothing remotely pandemic, but, I can see, what with all the 24-hour news coverage, and the mental stress it's putting people under, the things it's doing to the collective imagination. I gave her a tenner, and told her to leave 'the spores' with me."