Today's newspapers all feature the same grotesque photograph of the Prime Minister slobbering over his girlfriend Carrie Symonds like a bonobo humping a mannequin.
By boasting about impregnating yet another woman in a coordinated press release, he has succeeded in relegating other stories of his incompetence to the insides of the newspaper - stories such as the increasing likelihood of a no-deal Brexit, or anger within the civil service about government mismanagement. Johnson's journalistic experience has taught him that articles inside a newspaper are harder to find.
It is not the first time that Boris Johnson has inseminated someone, but it is the first time that he has remembered who the woman was, and been photographed with her. A government spokesman said, "It is an amazing story, like Romeo and Juliet. Except that they aren't from warring families, and they're much older, and are probably not going to kill themselves at the end."
Many journalists appeared to fall for the obvious ploy, and praised the tyrannical Prime Minister for spunking somewhere appropriate for a change. The Daily Twat even used the headline, "All hail Boris and his functioning seed."