Stranger who mistakes Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s advisor Dominic Cummings for homeless man and gives him money to buy coffee is escorted off the premises

Written by Cleopatra Chaos

Friday, 14 February 2020

image for Stranger who mistakes Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s advisor Dominic Cummings for homeless man and gives him money to buy coffee is escorted off the premises
Dominic Cummings (sans beanie hat) - do not approach or he will have you escorted off the premises

Prime Minister Johnson’s advisor Dominic Cummings doesn’t dress like other advisors. He long ago swapped a tie and suit for an anorak and beanie hat. He may be the man that all Tory MPs are afraid of, but few members of the public recognise him among the mass of anorak-and-beanie-hat-wearing crowds that amble around the streets of London.

And so it was that good Samaritan, Chad Varah, rushing to an important meeting on the twentieth floor of some shiny Central London office building, stopped and took pity on Cummings, who was standing hunched outside a Starbucks, planning some Machiavellian plot, and with his smartphone glued to his ear. Mr Varah, however, didn’t see those details. All he saw was a pathetic old-looking man in need of assistance. The 45-year-old kind professional bent forward and with a genuine smile produced a shiny 50-pence piece, which he handed to Cummings with the words “Go and get yourself a coffee”.

To his horror, Cummings grabbed the coin, looked up with a snarl on his face that would even scare Greta Thunberg, the young mistress of snarls, and called for Starbucks security, who turned out to be two very large Brazilian men who didn’t speak English. They, therefore, ignored Mr Varah’s explanations, and proceeded to escort him off the premises, the premises being the entire SW1 postcode.

Mr Varah turned up half an hour late for his meeting, and was told that he would lose his job, unless he separated from his wife and gave up all his friends. He now lives in Wimbledon with a new family, chosen by his boss.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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