In perhaps the most controversial announcement yet of Boris Johnson's brief premiership, his chief adviser, Dominic Cummings, has revealed that he is planning a eugenics programme for the people of the UK.
Births are to be strictly regulated, with only the semen of Cummings, himself, and his prize "milk cow", Boris, to be used in a mass fertilisation scheme. Boris is to be given the right of Prima Nocta, meaning he can have his way with any married woman on her wedding night, or anyone on a hen night, or anyone he likes the look of who doesn't struggle too hard.
According to Cummings, he and Boris are superior to most people because they went to Eton. He explained, "Attending Eton is a clear genetic marker of success. It's nothing to do with having rich parents."
He tried to justify his plan to castrate the poor by saying, "It's not as if we're killing them. It's more a kindness than anything, like taking your dog to the vet."
He rejected comparisons with Nazi Germany. "People are always comparing me to Hitler, but it's such a lazy argument. Just because I want to sterilise undesirables and create a master race!"