Gary Johnson, a four-month-old teabag used by Prime Minister Boris Johnson, has revealed that he has spent the weekend in a cold cup of very strong, very bitter tea.
'I feel completely used,' said Johnson, who is, as he was only too ready to point out, no relation of Boris's. 'I hate the blonde nincompoop and all that he stands for, but I put myself above everyone else, and made the sacrifice to go in the mug of choice for Johnson. Seems like he was just using me for his stupid little film. Still, it is proof, if nothing else, that Michael Gove has been removed from the most responsible job he has had in politics.'