BILLINGSGATE POST: Shockwaves reverberated throughout the febrile English football world as the first genetically engineered cat girl broke ranks with tradition, and licked Manchester United defenseman Harry Maguire’s balls as he went onto the field at Old Trafford last week.
Ole Gunnar Solskjaer is well known for his attention-grabbing publicity stunts, including using a flamethrower to light a fire under the arse of the over-paid Maguire.
But this attempt to motivate Maguire sent shock waves through the soccer community. Little attention was given Ole Gunnar when he announced his entry into the field of bioengineering. His goal of breeding the elusive cat girl to stimulate his players was greeted with wide yawns in Ladbrokes betting shop.
However, with this breakthrough, he has proved this specific endeavour to be quite a serious matter, fulfilling a long-held ambition for the beleaguered manager.
“After Boris Johnson failed to make anime real, I knew I was realistically the only person who could potentially make this a reality,” Solskjaer said in a recent press release. “So I diverted some funding, hired some people, and here we are. I just really want me some cat girls for me boys.”
When queried about the actual science behind this breakthrough, Ole Gunnar wasn’t too keen on divulging any secrets, but did explain the project was designed to act similar to a house cat, providing companionship, comfort and inspiration to players like Harry Maguire.
Although declining a formal interview, the usually stoic Solskjaer did put out a prepared statement to the sports media, simply stating “Get ready to watch Manchester United go lickity split against Partizan tomorrow.”
Slim: “The guys a f*cking motivational genius.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. I wonder if he can put the cat girl back in the bag.”