As the election hots up, and seemingly every Tory candidate is called out for lying, many familiar political battlegrounds have opened up. Many MPs have decried the state of our health service and are all promising to hand-build thousands of beds and volunteer in A&E if we’d just vote for them.
Crispin Sedgewick Bart Batylow Fullthringham Throb, Tory MP for Lower Wilitshire Upon the Woldsham, said:
"It’s an exciting time to be involved in the Conservative Party, and we’re looking forward to achieving so much once we get Brexit done! The Conservative Party has always been the party of the working people - we have proved that time and time again by employing the working people to clean our toilets."
As if to demonstrate his commitment to the employment of underlings, he snapped his fingers, and a scruffy-looking gent appeared to straighten his tie.
"We will be looking at improving funding the NHS, but also looking at how the money is spent. For example, do certain cities in the North of England actually need hospitals, or after Brexit can we convince people to just survive life threatening injuries with a bit of 'blitz spirit'?"
We had been informed that only pre-selected journalists would be allowed to ask Crispin any questions, and our placard saying “Tory Cunt” had been taken off us, so we felt impotent throughout the proceedings.
Crispin then launched into more Tory crap, and conveniently forgot it had been his party that had been in power for the last ten years when he said:
"Over the last ten years, this country has seen both standards and services declining. Now it would be easy for me to hold my hands up and say “Yes, we in the Conservative Party, along with willing Lib Dem sycophants and weirdo DUP members, have absolutely fucked this country raw,” - I could say that, but it would be too easy. Instead, I ask you, the voter, to look at Jeremy Corbyn. Just look at him….don’t listen to what he says, just look at him. Does he look like the sort of man who’d launch our nuclear deterrent if France forgot to send us a Christmas card? No, he doesn’t, but, I assure you, me and my colleagues in the Conservative Party will drop a nuclear warhead anywhere in the world."
Including the North of England, probably.