"We're leading from the front," said Jeremy Corbyn, as he spent the first day of the Labour Party Conference selling rock on Brighton Pier. In its quest to please every single person in the United Kingdom, the Labour Party has now pledged to hold a people's vote to decide if the country should be subjected to a second referendum over Brexit.
"Maybe my beard is putting them off...Too dominant," he added.
Party members grappled over what to tell the country it wanted, or what it wanted the country to want, or what the country might have wanted had Labour wanted to spell out what it actually had wanted then and now wants for the future and, indeed, why it wants the country to want this and not that, although that, of course, also has a lot going for it, so to say.
"Difficult," said a National Executive Committee member. "For want of knowing our wants we aren't sure what we stand for. I haven't a clue and am waiting to be told what I want. I mean, that's why I pay my party dues. Not just for cucumber sandwiches. I don't like Jeremy's beard."
Confused conference participants have spent hours scratching their heads about issues, and, as one member waded through the dandruff-coated flooring she suggested: "New floorboards. Walking on dead skin from colleagues' hair is not a great motivation. And there are more pressing subjects, like party financing for Sachajuan scalp shampoo. Jeremy normally carries a slush fund with him...I don't like his beard."
An opposition front bench member was more succinct: "I know exactly what the party wants and what I want and what the population thinks it wants, though they might all be different things, so I'm keeping stumm. Have you seen Jeremy's beard??!!"