Boris takes bread and circuses to Brussels

Written by T. Loaf

Friday, 6 September 2019

image for Boris takes bread and circuses to Brussels

"Panem et circenses", shouted the MP for Uxbridge and South Ruislip, Johnson. "Persuasion by games. That's what people want! And that's what they'll jolly well get...!"

It appeared the PM was losing it when he placed a large box on the table in front of him outside a supermarket he had just opened in Kettering, before explaining his strategy to convince the EU of his new ideas for Brexit at the upcoming conference in October. Shoppers and passers-by looked on, confounded.

"Has he had a drink?", mused one lady before sitting on her rollator to watch the show.

"In here", he stated pointing at the box, "I have the final solution to break the impasse. Let's resolve matters fairly and squarely. After each proposal I make, we'll play a game and the winner gets to choose whether to accept or reject. Fair deal? Of course!!"

"We'll start with Mousie Mousie. My favourite! I can imagine Macron and Merkel enjoying this. And we'll be taking our cunning advisor Cummings to play. Dominic's an expert at pulling a fast one. My next proposal regarding the backstop will be decided by 'Pin the Tail on the Donkey'. Very appropriate, don't you agree? 'I'm not sure whether my European friends actually know this devilish pastime. So that could be good for us." He rummaged deeper into his cardboard box.

"Oh yes, and, of course, 'Pass the Parcel', which indeed I know the content of, but my European allies, sorry... friends, do not. Fiendish, what? Fair though. I mean, I'm bringing all the games. To get them moving, the issue of fishing and commercial ports will be decided by Musical Chairs with music by Barry Manilow and Cilla Black. That'll confuse 'em..

And if things still haven't been sorted out, we'll go out onto the courtyard in front of the Brussels building and have an egg and spoon race. Couldn't be fairer, I'm sure you all agree.."

The street was quiet now. Six men and women in white gowns approached the Prime Minister, who was grinning and foaming at the mouth.

"It's sad, very sad", said an onlooker. "I'd have taken Cluedo..."

"..Ooohh and Twister, Twister..and a balloon race", Johnson could be heard screaming as he was led away to a green van. "To rogue or not to prorogue..That is the question", he yelled from the vehicle, grabbing on to the grating. "Oohh and a deck of cards, a deck of cards, Whist! Whist, Whist will decide our fate, Whist is the answer my friends..."

But his words were lost. The green van disappeared into the distance and the British public remained none the wiser, shaking their heads as they went on their way. What else was there to do...What on earth was happening.....what on earth was happening....

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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