Tory Leadership Contest Latest: Chris Grayling Enters the Fray

Written by Paxton Quigley

Tuesday, 28 May 2019

image for Tory Leadership Contest Latest: Chris Grayling Enters the Fray
"I'm sorry, minister, your train's been cancelled."

There were whoops of joy from the membership of the "Conservative & Unionist" party (male and white, average age 57) today as Transport Secretary Chris Grayling threw his hat into the ever-expanding ring.

"He's just what we need to open up the contest." So said Lt. Col. Dominic de Sade, member for Old Fartington and the Backwoods, a key member of the hanging and shooting fraternity, accompanied by his wife, Petunia.

Despite the errant Transport Secretary's disastrous railway timetable fiasco, his award of a contract for phantom ferries and as Justice Secretary his unlawful decision to stop friends and families from sending books to prison inmates, Mr Grayling is considered as a frontrunner in the Tory Leadership contest.

Lt. Col. de Sade explained:

"We've got the full house now. A full spectrum of Tory 'thinkers'. We've got the braggart narcissist who can't keep his little wrinkly little todger to himself, the rabid neo-Nazi misogynist who failed GCSE geography, the Scottish backstabber who doesn't trust experts and any number of intellectually challenged females, one of whom flaunted her ovaries at Theresa May. Oh, we've also managed to squeeze in a token ethnic. I'd forgotten about him.

"All that was missing was the one who couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery and we're grateful to Mr Grayling for stepping into that role for the election. He'll get my vote. If nobody can deliver Brexit then it might as well be him."

Mrs. de Sade then spoke with her husband's permission:

"Why is everyone so nasty to that nice Mr. Grayling? Yes, he made one or two small mistakes, probably wrecking some people's lives and careers, but it's not all his fault. He's a nice young man."

Chris Grayling is 57 and 1/4.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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