Who will be new Tory leader?

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Saturday, 25 May 2019

image for Who will be new Tory leader?
Chancer first winning the Hamptonshire election in 2010

It is the world's premier backstabbing medieval fantasy show, full of intrigue and evil characters. But who will become the new Tory leader? We look at the leading contenders.

Ebeneezer Moneybags (6-1 favourite)
MP for Mint and Wallet, he owns a string of workhouses across the south of England. Best known for arguing that the poor were responsible for their own plight and that they should eat each other rather than beg at food banks.

Tarquin Jodphur-Tooth (7-1)
Proof that Eton will accept anyone, no matter how stupid, as long as their parents are posh enough. Tarquin is MP for East Suburbia, and somehow managed to get a degree from Oxford - although it's not so surprising when you learn that the degree was in politics and the Oxford was in Canada.
Famously once said, "Eton is not elitist, it just doesn't let riff-raff in."

Steve Bile (10-1)
MP for Downtown Essex. A populist Brexit-supporting candidate, Steve had a relatively working class upbringing. He believes that foreigners are responsible for the decline in Britain and wants to leave the EU, the UN, NATO and the WTO.
Once asked a black constituent if he would consider moving away from the area, please.

Chancer (15-1)
An unlikely candidate, Chancer is an actual horse. He is MP in the rotten borough of Hamptonshire, but has never sat in parliament or given a speech. Some say that makes him the best candidate of all.

Boris Johnson (16-1)
Somehow Boris manages to combine the characteristics of all the above, into a single unlikable package of drooling irrelevance.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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