Nigel Farage Calls In Pest Control

Written by Monkey Woods

Sunday, 26 May 2019

image for Nigel Farage Calls In Pest Control
Farage (right) tries to persuade two UKIP supporters to leave his home

Nigel Farage, the British politician and 'voice of the man in the street', has had to resort to calling pest control officers to his home in Single Street, after a pest infestation on a Biblical scale.

Farage, the leader of the Brexit Party, and former leader of UKIP, didn't tell reporters that he contacted local company Rats R Us to his address last Friday, but the information was leaked anyway.

Rats R Us technician, Ron Dent, said:

"We got a call to do a job in Single Street, and when we got there it was awash with rats. I never seen so many! There was a few mice as well, but mostly it was rats."

But, said Dent, when they went upstairs in the property, there was another surprise.

"We could hear cooing from his loftspace, so we went up. Sure enough, it was like a pigeon sanctuary, hundreds of 'em shitting all over the place. Flying rats. A real toxic environment, it was."

A quick inspection of the outside of Farage's property revealed several birds' nests in the guttering, and guano daubed all over his walls and windows.

In the kitchen, dozens of cockroaches scurried this way and that, once cupboard doors were opened, there were maggots in the fridge, clouds of flies swarming around half-eaten food, and the distinctly unpleasant smell of catpiss spoke of strays having gained access to the house.

Dent commented:

"This fella seems like a modern-day Pied Piper - he speaks, and all the worst kind of riff-raff come running!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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