Squirrels' Vote to be ignored

Funny story written by T. Loaf

Monday, 18 March 2019

Jeremy Corbyn gleamed with delight at the close of Labour's Extraordinary Party Conference in Hastings at the weekend.

"Yes, we have to be prepared for government. Theresa May and her Conservatives are leading us up blind alleys with nonsensical proposals. And against the backcloth of Brexit, we have to show the public we're the only alternative and we're ready."

A motion put forward by the environmentalist wing of the party, that squirrels also be allowed to vote on the EU deal, was turned down by a huge majority. "A People's Vote is quite sufficient", explained the party leader. "Animals must live with the ramifications of Brexit, but they were not involved in the build-up to the referendum, so I accept they should be left out at this stage. This does not mean we will forget them. Squirrels have always been an integral part of the Labour movement. I don't know why, but, oh well, whatever....."

Another motion argued for the Opposition box in Parliament to be raised by 6 inches so that Corbyn could lean more comfortably against it. This was passed unanimously and will be included in the party's manifesto. "Important decisions," commented a backbencher. "You have to feel comfortable when facing government."

Corbyn was adamant the conference was essential, and a success. "We've covered very controversial ground and have reached a compromise on practically everything. Parliamentary box sizes, squirrels, LGBT quotas among candidates, cleaner landfills, the state of tennis courts in Margate - these are the pressing issues voiced by the country, or at least the folk I talk to. And they need to be addressed. That's exactly what we've done this weekend. We're now ready to return to Westminster and kindly intervene if we feel things are going badly with Brexit and that sort of issue. But I don't want to trouble poor Theresa too much. I know she's got a lot on her plate. Oh, and I believe I mentioned blind alleys earlier on. There was no offence meant to blind people, I hasten to add. Politically incorrect phrase. I would like to offer my unequivocal apology."

Support for low-emission cars was briefly discussed, but proved too hot a potato to vote on. "It's difficult", said Corbyn, "I mean, I don't even have a driving license so I haven't a clue what I'm talking about."

A resolution squeezed in at the end of the conference to set a minimum height for those seeking to become a librarian was turned down. "Now I think that's only fair, don't you?" explained the Labour party leader.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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