Brexiteers' Plans Finally Revealed: A Spoof Exclusive

Written by Paxton Quigley

Wednesday, 26 September 2018


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The country expects a successful Brexit

He's been reviled as a Man With No Plan, but the ideas for a successful Brexit of buffoon and failed politician Bozo Johnson along with those of his tax-avoiding wealthy, gold-plated pension cronies, Jacob Rees-Smug, David "Dumbo" Davis, Dr Liar Fox and John Deadwood have been revealed exclusively to The Spoof.

After his attention-seeking resignation from the government, the former "Foreign Secretary" Johnson's ministerial limousine was sent for a deep clean to remove all traces of his bodily fluids from public property. It was during this extremely difficult procedure that a secret document was found behind the back seat along with empty Prosecco bottles and his used condoms.

The most eye-catching ideas include:

Recruitment of extra regiments of Gurkhas to defend the Falklands from the Argies and for the military occupation of a recalcitrant Scotland.

A Star Wars-style defence system against Russian nuclear attack.

A ban on the import of European sparkling wines, particularly Prosecco but not vintage champagne which will be rationed to the deserving rich.

The arrest and internment of the First Minister of Scotland, Nicola Sturgeon and Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, on charges of sedition and treason. Further charges are expected to be made against Khan for being a Muslim in public office.

The adoption of a UK-wide national dress, intended to reunite the country. It will consist of a bowler hat and pinstriped jacket worn with a kilt, while sporting a leek in the jacket lapel. There will be nothing to signify Northern Ireland, because Brexiteers don't give a fuck about that place.

The return of press gangs to force pensioners to work alongside convicts in the fields, to pick fruit and vegetables lying rotting due to a lack of EU agricultural workers.

Telling hapless Prime Minister Theresa May to live up to her threat to turn Britain into the Singapore of Europe by slashing workers' rights, cutting burdensome taxes, selling off national assets, and deregulation. All of which would suit Brexiteer fat cats very nicely.

The Spoof consulted Maggie Thatcher's favourite entrepreneur Richard Branson, who is currently a tax exile on his own Caribbean island to gauge his feelings on the plan:

"It all looks good to me, I'm looking forward to buying the NHS and to turning back the clock by making it the VHS. The tax-cutting looks good, so I can live in good old Blighty again. I don't give a shit about Northern Ireland either, and putting Sturgeon and Khan in the slammer should work wonders to scare off those remoaner idiots."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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