Written by Talking Tic-Tacs

Wednesday, 26 September 2018

image for Greedy Owner Blames Closure of Department Stores on Greedy Owners
Mike Ashley squatting away fans' concerns.

Billionaire businessman Mike Ashley has blasted "greedy landlords" for the closure of several House of Fraser department stores.

The Sports Direct and Newcastle United FC owner stepped in to buy the historical chain for £90 million when it looked to be headed for liquidation. Many Newcastle United fans mistakenly thought their club had bought Bournemouth winger Ryan Fraser for a club record fee.

Business tycoon Ashley has blamed local authorities' rent demands for the buildings in which they're housed for failing to keep all stores operating.

Business analyst Karl Marx noted "Clearly Mike Ashley is a downtrodden Proletarian being denied access to means of production by the affluent Bourgeoisie, the poor little tyke."

"Of course, some may say that it's like an arsehole pot calling an arsehole kettle an arsehole, but not me."

"Others may quip that given he seems tighter than a nun's chastity belt when it comes to releasing funds that are clearly there to buy decent players for Newcastle United, then this is like a mini-piece of business karma. Others might, not this guy", he quipped.

Newcastle United supporters are, as usual, growing increasingly frustrated with their owner's seeming reluctance to spend what are now vast amounts of money bestowed upon such Premier League clubs from huge TV deals.

"In purely commercial terms, it does seem strange that a club that attracts 52,000 people have not beaten their own transfer record from all of 12 years ago, considering the mammoth amounts of money now flooding English football. Especially given the smallest club in the league, Bournemouth, (again) who attract around 5 people and a dog to their matches, have managed to spend £25 million on a player," said Football Business magazine journalist Nigel Footsie.

"Then there is the manager, Rafael Benitez, who has the ability to bring glory to the club if he was only backed in the transfer market by his boss, but the latter seems happy to keep it all to himself" said Footsie.

Secretary of the Newcastle United supporters club George Geordiface feels the fans are being short-changed, "It's a fookin' disgrace, man. This guy's raking it in from our gate money and TV deals, and he still won't put his hands in his pockets for quality players like, ya know?

"Us Geordies turn up every week, but there's no ambition. We're a huge club with loads of potential, but this guy's happy with just staying in the league and making money off us punters. Why aye, man.

"He seems happy to say the money in the Tyne's all mine, all mine, money in the Tyne's all mine. By the way, ah fookin' love Alan Sheeeera. Howay the lads!"

Mike Ashley was unavailable for comment due to being pissed in a pub.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!





Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
54 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more