Written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 18 September 2018

image for Manchester United Fan Is The 'Finished Article'
The man has had plastic surgery in order to look like his hero

A man who has supported Manchester United 'all his life', has claimed he is the greatest Reds fan of all time.

The man, who can't be named due to the possibility he might be attacked by other crazed MUFC fans who think that they, themselves, are the greatest Reds fan of all time, is, according to himself:

"Red through-and-through. If you cut me, I bleed Man Utd."

It's true the man is a leg end. He has a collection of all Man Utd 'home' shirts dating back to 1975, a selection of 'away' shirts - including the yellow-and-green Newton Heath shirt - the 'invisible' grey one worn at Southampton, and many pairs of shorts and socks worn by the team down the years.

When we visited him at home, he was wearibg a United sweatshirt over a United polo shirt, a United baseball cap, and there was a United jacket slung over the back of a chair. A United rainjacket hung on a peg in the hallway, and a United umbrella stood in a corner.

When colder weather comes, he told us, he dons his United parka, scarf and gloves. In his living room, atop a sideboard, sits his daughter's wedding photo, in which the World's Greatest United fan stands proudly - as any doting father would - in his Manchester United tracksuit complemented by a MUFC tie. A day to remember!

His bookshelves are crammed with United books, and pride of place goes to Sir Alex Ferguson's biography. There are videos and DVDs of the team's greatest triumphs, and his walls are adorned by newspaper cuttings, pictures and posters, all testament to his undying support for the team he claims to love.

He has a massive selection of United stars' autographs, (all genuine, and obtained by mail order), and has other items such as a duffle bag, rattle, keyring and drinking mug, as well as tasteful United curtains to all windows at the front of his home. He has United bed linen, and official clubshop-purchased United pyjamas. He has a flask for his tea on matchdays, even though he has never been to either a game, or Old Trafford.

A lesser fan would have stopped there, but not our hero. He has a dog called Giggsy, and a cat called Becks. His goldfish, George Best, passed away last month.

To cap everything off, this lifetime Manchester United supporter has a lock of David Beckham's hair. He is a true Manchester United fan.

Next year, he told us, he plans to visit Manchester for the very first time, and might even try to get to the Theatre of Dreams for a stadium tour. In the meantime, he'll continue to give United the same undaunted and unflinching support he's always given them.

That is, absolutely fuck all.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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