Written by Paxton Quigley

Monday, 10 September 2018

image for Football Club Promotes Stray Dog from Assistant to Head Coach
Tesapara: "I'm nobody's poodle"

The heart-warming story of Tesapara, the stray dog who became the coach's assistant at Paraguayan second-tier side Club Sporting 2 de Mayo has taken a new turn after club owner Pancho Bonanza promoted her to head coach and dismissed the incumbent Carlos Saguier.

Tesapara had become an unofficial assistant to former head coach, Saguier, and was to be seen standing in his technical area during matches and regularly attending training. She has proved a lucky charm for the club which is based close to the border with Brazil, being in post for their rise to third in the Segunda DivisiĆ³n.

Mr. Bonanza spoke to The Spoof:

"It was a no-brainer. Since she arrived, we have been on our best form, thanks to Tesapara's tactical nous and enthusiasm on the training pitch. Tesapara never stops chasing the ball, nipping at the players' ankles, barking out team orders and keeping them on their toes. She's our secret weapon.

"Also there's the financial aspect. I mean who wouldn't employ a football coach if you could save several millions of pesos and pay him/her with a few tins of Pedigree Chum, Alpo Prime Cuts, Purina Dog Chow or Cesar?"

In the press conference to announce her appointment, Tesapara told the assembled alcohol sodden football press corps how at first she had enjoyed working with Mr. Saquier "but after a time, I felt that my talents were not fully appreciated and he started to take me for granted. I thought enough was enough when he began to put a collar and leash on me and tell his friends and colleagues that I was his bitch.

"As you will soon see, I am nobody's poodle."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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