Written by Paxton Quigley

Tuesday, 4 September 2018

image for Mourinho 'Gets Suspended Jail Sentence' for Tax Fraud: Manchester United Fans to Appeal
Maureen begs forgiveness

Angry Manchester United fans raised a call today for crowdfunding an appeal to get their team's manager, José Mourinho, jailed after he reached a deal with the Spanish state on a one-year suspended sentence in a long-running tax fraud case.

Famously fat and smug number one Reds fan, Eamonn Holmes, ably supported by self proclaimed "Manc" Minister of Transport Chris "Failing" Grayling, are at the forefront of the Stretford Enders' call to arms. Holmes explained:

"We are sick to death of Maureen bitching and boasting, and still getting the team to play shit football. If they could win a match or two, then we might forgive him, but right now we are completely pissed off." Holmes nudged slumbering Grayling for his comment, but could not wake him, so he continued:

"What really riled us, was a story in The Spoof that Harry Maguire wouldn't join us because he fucking hates Manchester United. The greatest club in the world? Hated? It's all Mourinho's fault. It wasn't like that in Sir Alex's day."

The self-proclaimed "Special One" is not expected to serve any time in jail because Spanish law states that a sentence of under two years for a first offence can be served on probation. Mr Mourinho will be required to make weekly trips to Madrid to discuss his rehabilitation and report on his activities with the possibility that he might be tagged to ensure that he stays away from any football-related activity. It is expected that this would make no difference to the performance of his failing team.

The Portuguese national was also fined about €2m (£1.8m; $2.3m). He was accused of owing nearly €3.3m in undeclared image rights revenue for 2011 and 2012, when he was Real Madrid manager.

Mr Mourinho claimed earlier that he had paid all the taxes he owed, and was seeking an audience with the Pope to pay penance.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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