Football Gossip. September 2018

Funny story written by Paxton Quigley

Friday, 7 September 2018


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Arsenal Women's captain: "it's all about the balls"

Manchester United has denied that its fans created a crowd funding campaign to get manager Jose Mourinho jailed in Spain for tax fraud. United's executive vice-chairman Ed Woodward admitted that he had paid personally for an appeal to increase the so-called Special One's unexpected lenient sentence.

After complaining about the lack of new signings for his team, Newcastle United's coach Rafa Benitez has been told by club owner Mike Ashley to "piss off and buy your own club".

Chelsea can still improve despite opening the Premier League season with four successive victories, says head coach Maurizio Sarri and in view of this he has appointed a celebration coach. In faultless English he explained "Our celebrations have been shit this season and it's time to get a grip on them. I have appointed Alan Shearer to take on this important task."

Fleetwood Town manager Joey Barton has been mentoring his players in life skills and has introduced his youth team players to betting shop etiquette, instructed them on using ashtrays to stub out cigarettes instead of a team member's eye and he has lectured them on how to treat a drunk girl in your bed with some respect.

England team coach Gareth Southgate is angry at disparaging remarks made in The Spoof by an anonymous football columnist, the so-called Secret England Footballer, about his World Cup campaign. He is particularly annoyed that the columnist suggested he was open to group sex with the player's Russian girlfriend and is considering banning him from the squad, although to do so would add credence to the allegation. See World Cup Shambles

Daniel Levy, Tottenham Hotspur chairman has refuted suggestions that close season rumblings of discontent from current manager Mauricio Pochettino over lack of transfer activity led him to approach ex-Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger as a replacement. Levy says "I merely had a brief conversation with M'sieur Wenger to ask how he is enjoying his retirement and it ended with the word branleur**. Does anyone know what that means?"

Harry Maguire, the Leicester City and England defender, has consulted his lawyers Sue, Grabbit & Runn about an article in The Spoof which alleged that he turned down the opportunity to join Manchester United, saying "he fucking hates them". Maguire's solicitors are demanding an apology, saying that he would never use profanity against Manchester United, and reserves such language for Sheffield Wednesday. Maguire Turns Down Man Utd

Arsenal Ladies is changing its name to Arsenal Women. Team captain, Greek blonde bombshell Melina Karessyourtestikles explains "we don't pretend to be ladies. After training we like nothing better than jumping into the bath with the men's team and then going out on the piss".

**Unfortunately, Mr Levy, it seems that M. Wenger does not have a high opinion of you.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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