Saturday, 18 August 2018

image for Has-been Farage to tour the UK reminding people of their will
Stay away from service station car parks in the next few weeks

Today, Nigel Farage cuts a tragic figure, sitting in South Mimms motorway service station with a burger and chips. He compares himself to great historical figures who also never accomplished anything - but, when pressed, he couldn't name any.

Tortoise-faced, unelectable, Farage is beginning his national tour, where he will remind people that leaving the EU was "the will of the people", and, therefore, the UK should leave the EU in the manner that he desires.

"I'm a man of the people," says the wealthy former stockbroker. "I know I stood for election 8 times and never got in, but that's just because they were the wrong sort of people."

He believes he is best-placed to decide what form Brexit should take. The referendum was a choice between remain or leave, where the leave option was unspecified, and could mean a hundred different things. Nevertheless, Farage believes that he knows exactly what leavers voted for.

"People voted out. I know some people say you can leave the EU and still retain some of the benefits such as the single market. But people didn't vote for the Norway option or the Canada option, or even for the all-out option. They voted out. It was the will of the people and I have to remind them what that means. Because only I know their will."

Farage says that he is looking forward to touring. He plans to make speeches in the car parks of motorway service stations, and compares himself to President Donald Trump, who also holds regular rallies.

Farage's tour will start in the south of England. In the next two weeks, he will visit service station car parks in Beaconsfield, Membury, Newport Pagnell, Clacket Lane, Fleet, Baldock and Thurrock.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Brexit, Nigel Farage




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