In an astonishing admission of incompetence and poor planning, Prime Minister Theresa May has revealed that the cigarette packet on which Brexit plans were written has been missing for nearly two years.
The empty box of Marlboro Lights was probably left in the pub where it was scrawled across by boozed up Brexiters, and none of them have been able to remember what they wrote.
"It was all there in black and white," said absent-minded Tory David Davis. "Me, Govey and a few other rich Tory Eton boys were quaffing a few ales, discussing what a jolly jape Brexit would be. We all agreed that it was so simple that the plan could be written on the back of a fag packet. Even though none of us smoke, we obtained a discarded pack and wrote down our plan right there and then. We based the whole referendum on it."
For months after the vote to leave the EU, Davis pretended that he still had the fag packet, but eventually had to confess that it was missing. Theresa May organised a search of all landfill sites in the London area, and cabinet members spent months sifting through them instead of working on an actual Brexit plan. Jacob Rees-Mogg organised his own servants to find every cigarette packet in his local Surrey tip, and had to go without a hot bath on at least three occasions due to his staff being busy.
This week, with Brexit negotiations approaching their end and EU leaders shocked at the inability of the UK to organise themselves, the government has been forced to admit that their plan is lost.
Human slug and minister Michael Gove tried to blame the EU. "It's not fair, those European cigarette packets are almost completely blank, they have much more room to write in. No wonder they do better in the negotiations."