After quitting the cabinet last week over the state of Brexit, Boris Johnson made his resignation speech to parliament today. Here is a transcript of what he said:
"Hello, grubbledy mugwumps. I am fed up with our higgledy-arsed approach to Brexit, and to explain it most simplily, I would like to tell you a story. It is a story about us mugwumps.
"We all live in a big mugwump nest in the ground. But some of us don't like that, we would like to build a mugwump nest in the sky.
"Some might say it is cake-having-and-eatingly impossible, that you can't have a mugwump nest just floating in the sky. But I say, all we need to do is to believe in it. If only the Chief mugwump would at least let us try, then we would see.
"Instead she has decided that we will build a mugwump nest half-above ground, for which we are having to negotiate with the beetles and slugs about how we can do it.
"It's not what I wanted. I don't like it and I will hit something soon if I don't get what I want. I would be happy to take over as Chief mugwump if that helps.
"For too long, us mugwumps have been stuck in the ground eating earthworms. If we could live in a mugwump nest in the sky then we could catch passing trout and beef products.
"It makes sense, as I'm sure you can hear. But people aren't listen to me so I resigned. I will be in my portapotty if you need me."