The NHS is to slash costs by targeting fit and healthy people. Following publication of its Advise Leaflet today, "Grease up your life! Eat more fatty food and avoid sport!", GPs are being encouraged to adopt a new approach when consulting patients.
"One of the main problems we face", explained an NHS official, "is that people are simply living too long, often as a result of a healthy diet and keeping fit. This is putting tremendous strain on NHS finances, senior citizens' homes, families, bus companies and manufacturers of rollators and dentures. Something has to be done."
Patients will now be advised to eat more bacon and sausages, cream doughnuts and Doritos. Instead of medicine, pharmacists are being requested to administer beer, vanilla shakes and salt and vinegar crisps. Also, those who can prove they do little or no exercise will be promised faster treatment by all hospitals listed in the scheme.
"Of course, it's only a start. This fitness and health thing has become an epidemic and is a danger to people's psyche", said Jeremy Hunt, Secretary of State for Health and Social Care. "The government welcomes the initiative. We desperately need people to die quicker and sooner. They're clogging up the streets and trains. Live greasy, die fast. That's what I say. I mean, it's just doing everyone a favour, isn't it?"
Patients suffering from burnout or depression will in future be 'rounded up' and sent away on group seminars such as 'What's the point?' and 'Why am I a useless pleb?' Their rooms will be fitted with rope appliances and a shotgun, should they get close to the edge. "Extremely advanced, anticipatory therapy", added Hunt.
"Innovation is the name of the game", he explained. "I'm delighted this issue is at last being addressed. Cost cutting is essential to our lives." Free wine, coke, chicken potpies and deep-dish cheese pizza will be provided in all waiting rooms of NHS clinics, and a 'Grease Ap' made available to GPs nationwide.