Late last night, the Food and Drug Administration issued a public health advisory, warning that nearly 25 percent of Americans are pathologically fit and trim - victims of the newly-coined disorder known as "hyper-healthism."
"We're at a turning point," stated FDA Commissioner Scott Gottlieb. "It's encouraging that in terms of obesity, heart disease, diabetes, cancer rates, and overall well-being, close to 75 percent of Americans are 'normal.' These folks are making consistent and even frequent visits to their doctors and are diligent about taking their blood pressure medications, lipids, and psychopharmaceuticals."
"However," Dr. Gottlieb continued, "it's come to our attention that there's an entire sector of the population who rarely, if ever, see a physician. In fact, some of them have never even had a mammogram!"
According to the FDA public health advisory, those suffering from hyper-healthism are "borderline manic," spontaneously breaking out into walking, biking, hiking, or running, without any prompting to do so.
"They've been observed walking up escalators and even taking the stairs in lieu of a readily available elevator," elaborated Dr. Gottlieb. "Their blood sugar levels regularly fall into the double-digits. And we're especially concerned about their protein consumption, which is abnormally low."
In short, explained Dr. Gottlieb, hyper-healthy Americans are visibly and markedly different from normal Americans. "Almost a variety of 'feral humans,' if you will."
Dr. Gottlieb's report emphasized that the FDA is doing everything it can to remediate the risk posed by hyper-healthism, noting that government subsidies to animal agribusiness, together with government-funded "checkoff" programs designed to increase demand for meat, dairy and eggs, have enabled the FDA to slash the number of Americans suffering from hyper-healthism in recent decades.
"And the upcoming holidays will help," added Dr. Gottlieb.
Unfortunately, Dr. Gottelieb explained, what makes the FDA's war on hyper-healthism uniquely challenging is that many of these "feral humans" have largely removed themselves from exposure to mainstream media, making them unusually difficult to influence.
"They're disturbingly isolated, and alarmingly out of touch with societal norms," he noted. "Some of them don't even own a T.V."
For that reason, the FDA is urging normal Americans to direct any "feral humans" with whom they may have come into contact to a local police station or drugstore, to undergo a preventive course of antibiotics, vaccinations, and contraception. "At the very least," stated Dr. Gottlieb, "we'd like to be able to track their activities via a microchip inserted into their ankle, so as to be able to sequester them when necessary."
The FDA advisory concluded on an optimistic note, declaring that the unwavering alignment of government and corporate resources has enabled the FDA to drastically lower the risk that the average American will fall prey to hyper-healthism.
"But we can't let up our guard for an instant," warned Dr. Gottlieb. "Or our entire healthcare system could be at risk."