Stodgy treacle puddings lashed with sugar-ridden custard, fatty meat, gravy, over-cooked tasteless vegetables, fried egg and bacon breakfasts with sugar-dosed cereals, and other hospital delicacies, are more healthy claim UK hospitals than chocolate!
UK hospitals are banning chocolate, fizzy drinks and other quite nasty, but very tasty products, from their tuck shops so patients can only consume their delicious meals!
Visitors smuggling in choccies and fizzies for their loved ones will be banned from visiting and anybody daring to smuggle a fag or two for their lung-cancer smitten relatives also! Although smoking outside hospital doors in the garden, no problem!
A hospital CEO, earning mega-bucks, slim, trim and totally healthy divulged to Jaggedone's CIA (cockroach Infiltration Army; plenty of them wandering the catacombs of UK hospitals!) National Health reporter, Slimy Sicknote-Puke, the following guidelines for future nutritional plans and here they are!
1) No more sweets, choccies or fatty crisps for obese patients just good old-fashioned hospital grub plus a greasy dumpling or two!
2) Patients will only be allowed our wonderful food and hopefully will never recover from the experience because we need the beds quick!
3) Visitors bringing fruit, veg and other healthy products will be forced to give them to nurses and doctors because they are too fat anyway and need to become healthy examples for their patients!
4) Anybody caught smuggling fags or booze will be banned and the cigarettes/booze will be given to our surgeons who need a fag or wee dram to calm down their nerves before heart surgery; it's called recycling!
5) Jamie Oliver will not be allowed on the premises because he offers healthy, cheap menus, and the National Health bureaucracy needs unhealthy, crap food so patients can leave quicker via the cellar because we need empty beds for more private patients who pay my mega salary!
So there you have it and Jaggedone's tip to avoid an enforced non-choccy diet; stay out of hospital, eat healthy, don't touch fizzy drinks and go for a ride on your bike now and then!