In New Study Harvard University Finds Vaping Causes Loneliness

Funny story written by S. Aureus

Wednesday, 28 March 2018

image for In New Study Harvard University Finds Vaping Causes Loneliness

Vaping is the act of inhaling and exhaling an aerosol, often referred to as vapor, which is produced by an e-cigarette or similar device. Aerosol, often mistaken for water vapor, actually consists of fine particles. Many of these particles contain varying amounts of toxic chemicals, which have been linked to cancer, as well as respiratory and heart disease, but now, the particles have been linked to loneliness.

In a new high tech, extremely precise study from one of Harvard University’s research teams. Doctor B. Cepacia and his colleagues found that there is a direct correlation between vaping (and juuling), and a lack human contact/interaction. Doctor B. Cepacia surveyed 100 males between the ages of 16-25, from the time they first bought the vape, to the one year anniversary of when they began vaping, and their conclusion that vaping causes social isolation and loneliness was drawn from two observations.

The experimental subjects were asked to catalog where they vaped throughout a week, and in each of those venues, how many interactions they had with other people. The negative interactions in this case represent that a conversation with the men was intentionally avoided by others. For the everyday non-vaping adult, they will have from 10-15 interactions on average in any one of these venues. However the average number of interactions any avid vaper will experience, is only 0.57, though this fluctuates between locations.

The experimental subjects were also asked to record approximately how many hours per week they vaped, and approximately how many harsh or condescending looks from other people they received WHILE vaping. Most non-vaping individuals average zero glares per week, while the vaping males averaged 59.4 glares per week, though again this varies on how much the individual vapes.

So how did Doctor B. Cepacia scientifically prove this baffling correlation?

Cepacia enlisted Doctor H. Epinephrine, a renowned neurosurgeon who now teaches at Princeton university, to help explain neurologically why people seem to be so repulsed by vaping.

After processing the data and observations recorded by Cepacia, Epinephrine concluded that vaping is just unattractive. Unattractive not just in the personal preference stance, but it’s unattractive to our body and brain.

The brain uses several systems to perceive and interpret the world around it, including the frontal cortex, and somatosensory cortex (parietal), and even more to subsequently react. However in the case of vaping, the primary areas utilized are the occipital (interpretation of visual stimuli), the limbic system (emotional expression), and amygdala region (aggressive and defensive behavior).

When a normal adult sees someone vape, the occipital region translates this stimuli into electrical impulses, which are rushed by the nervous system to the amygdala region, and then to the adrenal medulla.

The adrenal medulla is then triggered to secrete nonepinephrine, a neurological chemical that gives you an “adrenaline rush”,causes your blood vessels to tighten, your lungs to contract, and you to become angry.

Your limbic system recognizes this, and either steers you away from whatever stimuli is making you react this way (in this case the individual vaping), or causes you to lash out at them in a burst of rage.

In their research article the group suggests they will be performing future research on whether or not this reaction to vaping also applies to animal and plant species. However for now, it’s safe to say you won’t make very many friends with a vape in your possession, biologically, we just can’t help not liking you!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more