Written by T. Loaf

Monday, 22 January 2018

Sainsbury's and Tesco are the big winners of an invitation to tender organized by the NHS to cut costs and outsource specific services.

Jeremy Hunt, Secretary of State for Health, welcomed the news, calling it a 'milestone' in the history of healthcare.

Eye and screening tests will now be available 'while you queue' at cash desks in all Sainsbury's and Tesco branches, while bowel endoscopies are to be provided at larger Marks and Spencer outlets.

"I mean, this is just pure efficiency", enthused Hunt. "We will be monitoring progress and expanding privatized services step by step."

Asda stores are to offer minor operations when you purchase goods for more than 50 pounds, while Waitrose will be handling sprains and bumps and is looking into cosmetic surgery for its upmarket clientele.

"We have to relieve GPs and hospitals somehow, and this is an ideal opportunity." said the Minister. Staff at Lloyds Shoes are to be trained in laser eye surgery, to ensure that customers who cannot find footwear in their size do not 'come for nothing'.

Hearing tests are to be given at railway stations, where differing thicknesses of glass between the ticket official and customer can be inserted. "Britain has always led the way in innovation. This is simply wonderful," added Hunt.

DIY stores are to install dentistry chairs and respective equipment so that, well, customers can do it themselves. Bunions, acne and constipation will be dealt with at your local Texaco petrol station, whereas BP is to be responsible for handling sunburn, warts and head lice.

"A revolution indeed!", claimed the Health Secretary.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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