Tracing the source of an unwanted bank deposit

Written by Backandtotheleft

Wednesday, 30 May 2018

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File this under S.

A repeated anonymous donor from Stoke has been thrown out of his home by his wife. John Ewes, 42, occasional smoker, had been donating to local sperm banks for 22 years and had never once informed his wife.

Mary Ewes, 42, smoker (we think she was kinda into us), explained: "I’d only gone into the kitchen to get the “Beating Baguette”* and there he was, plain as day with his hand beating as fast as a hummingbirds heart. I shouted “John” and he looked up at me like a startled puppy but he didn’t bloody stop!”

John could have fathered thousands of children or, if the bank was running a really disgusting side trade, been spread on millions of sandwiches.

John commented: "I don’t know why I never told her but I think the feeling of secrecy is what made me want to do it more and more. Sometimes I was sending in up to fifty pots a week. I can’t stop and I won’t stop. Mary just has to love me the way I am or not at all."

A spokesman for the Stoke sperm bank said: "Is that who’s been doing it? We’ve informed the police multiple times about these incidents. I would like to take this opportunity to remind the general public that we do not accept random packets of sperm sent to us through the post."

*A hardened baguette traditionally used around Stoke to beat their children*

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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