A secret cabinet office memorandum has been obtained by political editor Paxton Quigley, which admits that under European Union procurement rules the contract for printing new sterling banknotes will be awarded to the Polish national bank.
Paxton explained the events which had led to his scoop:
“There I was in the Stoat and Gobbler, my favourite Wetherspoon’s on Balham High Road, sinking my third pint of Old Dogfarter and eating a pack of hedgehog crisps, when some overweight unkempt shaggy blond bloke in a curry stained ill-fitting suit came over to me surreptitiously. He whispered to me ‘Paxton, you’re a journalistic hack of distinction, just like I used to be when I was the Brussels correspondent for the Telegraph, so how would you like an exclusive on another EU folly, old chap?’
“I can’t give you his name, but I recognised the plummy accent and his classical references to Homer and Ovid during our long conversation. He told me how EU membership actually was costing us £700 million per week which could be better spent on private education for all and red carpet events for the royal family’s weddings. He railed against somebody called Dave who had abandoned him to his fate, forcing him to face up to his responsibilities and work for a pittance for a female pen pusher who delighted in humiliating him in public. He also called Jacob Rees-Mogg an arrogant stuffed-shirt shit who is stealing his limelight.
“It was then that he slipped me a cabinet office memorandum marked Top Secret. He ran through it quickly with me, pointing out that HM The Queen has decided to abdicate, not in favour of homeopathetic tree hugger Charles nor the strangely popular gormless Wills, but for the soon-to-be-married action man Prince Harry and his American floozy Meghan in order to bring a bit of glamour to the tired old Windsor brand.
“Of course, this necessitates new banknotes to be issued and that’s where the problem lies. According to the memorandum, an EU tender was issued in secret and the best value for money proposal was from the Polish national bank, which beat the Bank of England hands down. The good old BoE apparently can’t make a five pound or ten pound note for less than £20 each which is ridiculous if you think about it, whereas the Poles can do them for less than a zloty each. In view of this the government had even considered changing our currency from sterling to zlotys, but decided for the better. On second thoughts, that would have made it easier to pay our plumbers and builders.”
On hearing the news, Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre immediately started a petition against the decision and claimed within the first 24 hours to have 75 million signatures, while a spokeswoman for pro-EU Open Britain revealed that her organisation doubted the truth of our story, saying that it sounds like another one of “Boris Johnson’s ridiculous lies” which he is continuing to spin out to justify the EU referendum result.