Written by joseph k winter

Friday, 30 March 2018

image for Raskolnikov contacted in Hades comments on Boris Johnson’s Easter Speech
Accommodations in Lower Bowel 4A somewhat warm, especially in summer

Mr. Johnson’s Easter Speech and his reference to Dostoevsky has drawn considerable interest in Lower Bowel 4A Division, Continental Hades.

(Wikipedia explains that "Lower Bowel" was originally "Lower Bower" and somehow changed over the course of time.)

Mr. Johnson alluded to Dostoevsky’s classic Crime and Punishment with, “We are all confident of the culprit—and the only question is whether he will confess or be caught.”

The "he" might be a reference to Mr. Vladimir Putin, according to current press fever.

Outstanding journalism via a very hot elevator has led to contact with Mr. Rodion Raskolnikov, protagonist of Dostoevsky’s novel.

Mr. Raskolnikov prefaced his remarks by admitting he has been in barbershop training in Lower Bowel 4A and seeks the privilege of eventually attending to Mr. Johnson’s hair.

“You know--in case he ends up here? Instead of the other place?”

Barbershop training at Lower Bowel 4A is extensive, with many applicants, so competition is fierce in looking forward to “possible future candidates for grooming.”

Mr. Raskolnikov’s comments are thus tempered by his enthusiasm in case of any future opportunity with Mr. Johnson.

“I do feel however there is some need to qualify Mr. Johnson’s analogy,” the famed protagonist of Dostoevsky’s novel stated.

In Crime and Punishment the criminal is clearly identified, and his act of murdering two innocent women described explicitly by the author.

In the novel this is fact, not speculation.

In the Skripal case, no suspect has been verified, the poisoning agent has not been clearly identified, circumstances of the poisoning have not been clarified.

At this point Mr. Raskolnikov was joined by a friend named F-DOB--standing for "Franz Kafka's dead older brother," which he explained as his social media ID in Lower Bowel 4A.

Mr. F-DOB added:

“The script for the Salisbury case has precedent in Franz’s novel The Trial--accusation prior to investigation?”

“One fine morning Joseph K found himself arrested, with legal papers, charges, proceedings and investigation—to follow, not precede. Etc.”

Mr. Raskolnikov returned to the discussion. “I’ve been thinking Mr. Dostoevsky’s The Idiot might have been more suitable to Mr. Johnson’s allusions, with himself in that starring role.”

Mr. F-DOB again:

“I must caution that Lower Bowel 4A accommodations are going fast at this time. We shudder to go lower.”

"Subscribe now--ahead, to relieve that anxiety."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
50 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more