Today in Brussels, Boris Johnson made a long-awaited speech to the EU, setting out the terms of Brexit as he sees them. Here is the full unabridged text of his speech.
"Good afterlunch, my fellow Euro-chumps and bureaucratinators. It has been eighteen squiffing moons since England, and indeed the whole of our perfunctory Albion subcontinent, voted unimplumbably, although squeakily narrowly, to unanchor and away our floating schooner nation from your own Pierre.
"Yet do not think for a jiffy that we are besmockering. I have acquainted my person with many a Hun, Wop, Diego and Slav. Je suis wunderbar, arrivaducky, dulce et decorum est, na zdrovnie, and so forth, as they say in Luxembourg. We shall miss your perbaffled accents extranormiously. I myself relish a gushing elegantine sluckle of a fine southern Burgundouse from the Alpenees plains.
"Of course, the meat and two veg of our conversation to be had, in future, ad nauseatum, our negotiarmistice if you will, is about how we will conduct our barterly swaps and financial intercourse. It is of vital import and export that you will continuate to purchase our gimbletrons and auto-dillies, and of course we will certainly keep exchangifying your nonnygaggles and gluggle for our own coinacy.
"But apologulations to you all that some agreaties shall be disconstoppulated. We will not be allowing any more of your frumgripperous and underpoundly humpfronts and begatterumps into our fine hospice...hospitality suite, not to be sour but our decision is finalimundo.
"It is not au revoir, but until we meet again.
"So thank you, your holiness, I am free for vol-au-vons in the canteen aftermuchly."
Translators from the UK are still trying to work out what he meant.