Cooking For A Queen

Funny story written by Backandtotheleft

Monday, 9 October 2017

Always at the forefront of breaking news (or at the very least listening in on other peoples conversations) we spoke to the Queens ex chef to find out what grub she loved!

An exquisitely tall gentlemen, easily approaching 9ft 5, his arms the length of a motorway entered the room. He smiled. We felt rather safe for the first time in years. Then again this was the first interview we'd conducted not under the influence of weed. Which apparently isn't as legal as we thought. Thanks mum.

He started with a rather racist anecdote which kinda made us feel uncomfortable. Even we understand that racism is fucking stupid and we never finished school. But some people don't get it. They never do. Even if you took a crow bar, peeled back the top of their skull and stuffed "why racism is fucking stupid" into their brain, they still wouldn't get it.

I mean how can you feel superior over someone else because your skin is a different colour? It's like assuming your car goes faster because it's painted red. It's got nothing to do with the colour, it'll go faster if it's had an engine tune up and new tyres, but not if you just paint it a different colour.

Has it become "normalised" now? Just to throw casual racism around like confetti? I mean you've only got to read the papers after an England football match to kinda get a jist of the racism that seemingly lurks just beneath the surface. We saw one "journalist" question Daniel Sturridge's (a black player) character after he came on as a substitute against Lithuania. Because he was wearing gloves.

Can't imagine the same thing been said if a white player was wearing them.

It's embarrassing. Brexit was a racist vote. People who want to put golliwogs in their windows aren't being "old fashioned" their cunts. Referring to every African player as "tall, athletic, strong, bullish" is racist if you haven't bothered to actually watch their game. We live on shitty little island, populated by cunts, racists, halfwits and people determined to take us back to the "good old days".

The good old days when you could call a "paki" a "paki" and crossing the road because there was a black person was "normal". Get fucked. It's a breach of our human rights being left on this Island with you.

It's not everyone, we know, we know that not everyone voted "out" because they hate Bulgarians. Some people believe trade will improve, want a devolution of big governments, want our blue passports back a whole myriad of reasons. We're angry and sad and confused and upset and hurt and love this country but hate it at the same time. Like you are with siblings as kids we guess.

What? The Queens ex-chef? Oh yeah. She didn't like curries as they gave her the shits.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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