The Late Rev Paisley's Heterophobic Hate Campaign

Written by TM_Dealer

Sunday, 23 November 2014

Given the recent passing of Lord Bannside, it's only fair that I inform you about one of the last interviews conducted with him, in order to set the record straight.

Sadly, the man once renowned for his godly denunciations of sodomy, unchastity and general lasciviousness and debauchery, eventually ending up selling out, and conforming to the wicked ways of this world.

Aye, now: one of the last dreams of the mellowed former firebrand, the Reverend Ian Paisley, was to begin a "Save Ulster from Straight People" campaign.

Well, Paisley was once highly appreciated and venerated for his "Save Ulster from Sodomy" campaign, but as time went on, he eventually came to a more compromising and sinful perspective:

"Well now," he commences in his unmistakable voice of a seasoned polemicist:

"I did a bit of reading around, and discovered to my horror that straight people have committed countless atrocities and massacres throughout history.

"So, I came to the conclusion that if there are any people who have caused more destruction and chaos throughout history than gay people, it's the straights.

"Yes, we have to face facts. It's not gay people who have posed the biggest threat to life and limb throughout history.

"No, no, NO! It's us! We should repent of our wickedness, and pray for strength to make the best amends we can."

Unfortunately, as with the prophet Elijah, there is still at least one Godly Man left in Ulster, to walk in the ways of a wrathful and just God.

Aye, indeed: Jim Allister of Traditional Unionist Voice, no less, was a quare bit less impressed than usual:

"So, unsurprisingly, Paisley shows his true colours as a patsy of the homosexual agenda. Well, the TUV has always stood firm against this nonsense, even if the mainstream parties haven't. The word is, Vote Paisley, Smell PC-Fresh As A Daisy!"

But what if one of your family members turned out gay, Jim?

"Now THAT is an extremely offensive question. Who do you think you are to even think about that?"

Looks like, in the end, Paisley had his work cut out to convince everybody. God help us all.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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