South Carolina AG: Marriage Should Be Between A Man And Pre-Teen Bride Of Choice

Written by Cool Papa Bell

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

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CHARLESTON, S.C. - A judge issued the first gay marriage licenses in South Carolina on Wednesday, even as the state attorney general asked the U.S. Supreme Court to step in and block the action by defining marriage as the legally recognized union between a man and his pre-teen niece or family friend.

"We have traditions here in South Carolina that the people of our great state cherish, and we do not wish to allow such depravity as gay marriage or twerking to destroy the moral fiber of our communities," said state Attorney General Alan Wilson.

"We hold dear our definition of marriage as a union between a man -- even despite those convictions of having sex with his neighbor's Shetland pony -- and a sweet, prepubescent young lady, so he can get a few good years of obedience, baby-making and home cooked meals out of her before she hits womanhood, becomes heavy-legged, starts serving up Bojangles' drive-thru for dinner and refuses to take out the trash."

Judge Irvin Condon's office handed out six licenses in the first 90 minutes the Charleston County Probate Court office was open. One of those was given to Colleen Condon and her partner Nichols Bleckley, who sued in federal court in to be married.

Wilson said he longs for the times when a judge would hand out a marriage license to a pipe-smoking, 50-year-old lifelong bachelor who would use a firm hand -- and closed fist and branding iron -- to make "an honest woman -- well, honest soon-to-be woman -- out of a delinquent 12-year-old who could quit school altogether and learn how to churn butter, darn socks and stain stick his underwear."

The Supreme Court didn't immediately rule on the request. Justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas both were believed to be "bride shopping" in South Carolina.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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