$200 million College Football Coaching Contract on the Horizon

Funny story written by Charles Havers

Thursday, 16 December 2021

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Just go out there and win, son.

As a Spoof writer, I travel to some out of the way towns in my search to figure out what’s going on in this crazy world. Not long ago, I found myself in Baton Rouge, Louisiana of all places.

There’s not a whole lot to do in Baton Rouge, and I found myself in a bar at midnight talking to some drunk, who claimed he was Scott Woodward, the athletic director at Louisiana State University.

Woodward or whomever I was talking to was very proud that he had just hired Brian Kelly, who had been the Notre Dame coach, for an astounding $95 million over 10 years.

Rumor has it that with incentives, Kelly could make as much as $15 million per year.

“Why so much?” I asked.

“Good question: I think I could have hired him for less, but that would have been stupid.”

I look a bit puzzled, but he went on: “Let’s say I paid him $75 million for ten years. What do you think that tells the fans?”

“It tells them that Kelly is making a lot of money.”

Woodward or whomever I was talking to gave me one of those ‘poor dumb shit is clueless looks’ and went on:

“No, it tells them that I hired a coach for what lots of other coaches are making. That doesn’t make a statement. Let me give you a little history. A few years back, I gave Jimbo Fisher, who was the head coach at Florida State, $75 million for 10 years. It was a good deal for me since Fisher had won a national championship in 2013. That hire would keep the A & M fans happy for a few years. It was also a good deal for Fisher. The last few years at FSU had been tough, and the fans were on his case."

I interjected: “That didn’t work too well. A & M Fans can’t be happy with this year’s 7-4 record.”

He gave me that look again and went on: “It worked pretty well for me. I got the AD job and $1.5m a year to come to LSU. It’ll also work pretty well for Jimbo. His contract guaranteed even if A & M goes 0-11."

I nodded to indicate that I understood and Woodward continued:

“You see, I went out and hired the Notre Dame coach for more money than any other coach is making. That makes the fans happy, and they’ll give Kelly a few years to produce.”

“And if he doesn’t?”

Woodward smiled: “No big deal. I fire Kelly, and I’ll pay the next guy $200 million for 10 years. That’ll keep the fans happy. And if the fans are happy, I get a raise and extension on my contract."

Like I said, I’m working on another project, but I thought it was worth taking a few minutes to write this up. If there’s interest, let me know, and I’ll report on the part about Woodward not being sure that Kelly is any better than Ed Orgenon, the coach whom Kelly is replacing.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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