WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) – White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki announced at the latest press conference, that the president has decided to issue a PEO (Presidential Executive Order) which will pardon three professional sports teams.
Jen noted that after much consideration and with the help of VP Harris and unofficial presidential adviser Robert De Niro, President Biden has decided that it is in the best interest of sports closure, to issue pardons to the New England Patriots, The New Orleans Saints, and The Houston Astros for their parts in the so-called cheating scandals.
The president commented that he spoke with the owners of all three teams and they all expressed their gratitude and complimented him on the fantastic job of leading the country that he is doing, which they all noted was 1,000 times better that the other fella - you-know-who.
Patriots owner Robert Kraft even went as far as to say that he never liked Donald Trump, whom he referred to as “Old Nazi Face.”
Kraft revealed that, truth be told, the only reason why he kissed the Trumpster’s ass was because every Republican senator and congressman did it, in order to have that I’m much more superior than the Democrats and the Independents are feeling.
The Pats owner added that it is a fake belief that is only perpetuated by a feeling of entitlement, conceit, and overall fuckedupness.
SIDENOTE: The owner of the New Orleans Saints has sent President Biden and Vice-President Harris two Saints season tickets each. Meanwhile it is rumored that the Astros owner sent the president $25,000 in cash.