(NOT EDITED) An avid Kansas City Chiefs fan who has been in a coma since 5 minutes into the Super Bowl has finally awakened to a horrible reality. And close friends are unsure how to break it to him. According to witnesses, Gunter Chang III, a University of Kansas senior, passed out with approximately 5 minutes into the first quarter and didn't regain consciousness until days later.
“We’d been doing Jello shots since noon getting ready for the pre-game activities,” said one man who declined to be identified, but described pre-game activities as a game of “Bong Tag”. “We wanted to be in the right frame of mind when the Chiefs annihilated the Fuccaneers in the most undignified manner possible,” said a friend of Chang. By all accounts, Chang had consumed a massive amount of alcohol and 'epic' number of bong hits by the time the dumpster fire started in Tampa.
“We knew something was wrong when Chang jumped up with his hands in the air and screamed, ‘SCORE’ during the coin toss, then threw up behind the couch!" said another disaster witness. “He throws up behind the couch all the time but usually not face down on the carpet. Later he thought the Chiefs scored a touchdown or something and it was just a commercial! Chang is not the most informed guy I've ever known, but damn!” he added.
Fortunately several people at the party rolled him out of the bubbling Jello pool of his own stomach contents when the sound of his gurgling distracted from demolition derby on the big screen TV. But not before getting some good video of the grotesque performance art taking place on the floor. A few tequila shots later, Chang was just as good as new.
In an effort to shake off the embarrassing spectacle on television as well as in their own living room, the disillusioned dickheads hastily self-medicated with another round of bong hits. These were estimated to have been completed shortly before the second Chief's penalty and just after Chang exclaimed in a drunken slur, "Man, Ozzy Osbourne is looking a lot better these days!" while taking a staggering piss in the corner of the living room. Apparently, Chang was oblivious to the fact that the crowd was made up of 30,000 cardboard cut-outs. Or that the bathroom was down the hall.
"Chang is not the best informed guy I ever knew. Except about parties," said another friend who witnessed the entire train wreck. "He's the kind of guy who would light his own farts if he read it on the internet," admitted one frat brother who confessed to showing him exactly that on the internet. "I got good clicks on the video but I felt bad about him having the skin grafts on his balls."
None of the other party goers even noticed when Chang had slipped into the netherworld in his chair, a mere comatose shell of his normal drooling, drunken self. Depressed and disillusioned they departed, just deserting the drunk dude. Only days after the Super Bowl did it become apparent that Chang was indeed drunker than usual. In fact, all in attendance had seen him in this condition many, many times before, so no one panicked until Chang failed to show up for work on Wednesday.
“It was kind of strange for him not to show up for pay day,” said a co-worker, who was not at the Super Bowl event because he absolutely despises Chang enough at work. “Sure, he’d miss Monday, maybe even Tuesday. But never Wednesday. We get paid on Wednesday. So I knew he was either dead or in jail. Probably dead. Both I hope.”
An unidentified friend of Chang fortunately returned to Chang's house to recover a bong he'd left to discover him in exactly the same position from three days ago, in the Cheeto stained, urine soaked chair. He rushed him to the hospital and dropped him off on the sidewalk after playing a few games on the XBox and getting stoned.
Chang regained consciousness earlier today and immediately asked how big an “ass whooping” Kansas City inflicted on Tampa Bay. Things went south from there when another friend showed him a highlight photo of Tom Brady in a Tampa Bay uniform and convinced Chang he was in an alternate reality. "Chang is not the best informed person I ever knew. I know I'm going to Hell for this, but the look on his face was priceless! I'm getting good hits on the video, too.
According to the attending physician, “We’ve got him heavily sedated and convinced he doesn’t really want to know anymore about this reality than that!"