NEW YORK CITY – Major League Baseball Commissioner Robert “Bobby” Manfred is thrilled to report that baseball will soon be back at the dozens of MLB parks, stadiums, fields, and domes.
Manfred told Hiawatha Pamplona with Sport’s Territory Magazine that he is happy to not have to read the thousands of hateful tweets from fans calling him all kinds of nasty, vulgar names from a dickless duck to a a titless titmouse.
Pamplona asked about some of the new rules. Manny said that there are over 173 new ones (and counting).
He pointed out that one new rule calls for each player to have his or her temperature checked every two innings orally, unless the player exhibits signs of fainting.
Another new rule being implemented states that hot dogs, cotton candy, peanuts, beer, and baby back ribs will no longer be allowed in the dugout.
Manfred stressed that all political statements will now be strictly prohibited from being printed on baseball bats as had been done in the past.
He said that some of these statements include, “Trump sucks”, Joe Biden Rocks”, and “Mitch McConnell can suck my diddly dipper”.
Fans will not be allowed to attend the games, and anyone who tries to sneak into the playing area will risk the possibility of perhaps being shot…in the lower ass, but shot, no less.