BILLINGSGATE POST: Managing Director of the Premier League, Richard Masters, announced today that Harry Maguire’s balls were tested by ACME Ball Evaluators, a subsidiary of the ACME Corporation. The results, Masters revealed, showed evidence of premeditated tampering.
Using the same compression tests used to determine the PSI (Pound Per Square Inch) of Tom Brady’s balls in the original “Deflategate” controversy, ACME determined that Maguire’s balls were likewise under-inflated. Brady was suspended without pay for the first four games of the 2015 regular season for conduct detrimental to the integrity of the NFL. The Patriots were also fined, and had draft picks for the next two years reduced.
In addition, the NFL indefinitely suspended the two Patriot equipment staffers who helped Brady carry out his nefarious plan, including one who called himself “The Deflator.”
Masters, who doesn’t suffer fools lightly, holds both Manchester and Maguire equally responsible for this reprehensible conduct.
“Someone, other than Maguire handled his balls. Trust me. There will be repercussions that go beyond Maguire’s initial suspension. Heads will fall. Worse than original “Deflategate.”
Slim Everdingle: “Isn’t the ACME Corporation the same company that manufactures the ACME Gravity Powered Anvil used in the Road Runner cartoons?”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Their reputation is impeccable. They have a 100% success ratio.”