GRAND RIVERS, KENTUCKY - Television has chronicled the challenge of fishing for Bluefin Tuna in the North Atlantic. Outdoor sportsmen skillfully use Fly-Fishing to catch Rainbow Trout in mountain streams. However, this level of entertainment is not sufficient for "an Internet World."
A few years ago, some people ("Rednecks") took fishing to a more exciting level. One species of fish is prone to jumping out of the water when there are VERY Loud Noises in the water. As a result, a tournament was started to catch these "Silver Carp" without fishing poles, and most participants saw baseball bats and tennis rackets as proper means to an end. There was no need for any sort of net, because you simply "bashed" the fish to the middle of the boat.
2019 - The CIA Gets Involved....
When the White House learned that the "Silver Carp" was actually known to the Wildlife section of the US Department of Interior as "the INVASIVE Species of Asian Silver Carp", officials were immediately asked if the fish were supposed to be deported or if other Federal actions could be taken against them.
US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) informed the President that they were pushed to their limits with issues on the Southern Border with Mexico. However, agents commented on the possibility of "non-conventional measures" being available, because the Asian Silver Carp did not have standing before the US Supreme Court, and had no representative organization at the United Nations.
Anonymous sources say that the first action by the CIA against the Invasive fish involved Water-Boarding, as the practice had prior authorization in al-Qaida interrogations. However, the absence of Water-Boarding seemed to cause the Silver Carp greater stress and anxiety than the sessions where the CIA subjected the fish to Water-Boarding. Lawyers reviewed Department of Justice policies and the US Federal Legal Code, and reported to CIA that it was Not Illegal to employ harsh techniques against the fish.
Dale Braggart (Fisherman): "When I heard the CIA offered to let us use some fancy high-voltage equipment for national defense against our foreign fish problem, I wondered if we would have a training camp to show us how to put clamps on fish genitals or nipples.... Hooo-weee, they really surprised me with how EASY it was to interrogate carp!"
Local news stations referred the government action as "Electro-Fishing", and generally approved of the torture of "invasive" (species of foreign origin) fish. The large scale "Fish-Zapping" was defended with the claim that Non-American fish are taking food from the mouths of Poor American Fish, like the Large Mouth Bass and Walleye.
Lately, there are rumors that the CIA doesn't want to torture fish. Agents complain about this "fish mission" as being spite and vindictiveness from the White House, because the CIA was based on destabilizing governments, providing weapons to revolutionary groups, interfering in the elections of other nations, and seeking Orwellian world-wide tyranny.