The Open 2019: Golf Returns to Northern Ireland Under Strict Security

Written by Paxton Quigley

Thursday, 18 July 2019

image for The Open 2019: Golf Returns to Northern Ireland Under Strict Security
Plainclothes police officers PC Paddy McGinty and WPC Maureen Shillelagh blend in with spectators

The Open was last played at Royal Portrush in 1951 and hasn't returned for 68 years, due to a little disagreement which so-called Loyalist and Republican locals quaintly call "The Troubles", but which were, in fact, a rampant killing spree between two apparently "Christian" communities, protestant and catholic.

But that's all water under the bridge now, as all is forgiven and former UVF, UDA and IRA volunteers and murderers can wander freely among the local populace after over 3,600 people were killed and thousands more injured, during a period lasting 30 years.

It was a moment of sporting history that some diehard fans of hitting a ball with a bent stick into a hole some distance away did not want to miss. So it was under strict security that they began to queue long before the tee-off at 06.35(!) in what can only be an act of collective madness. It was cold and there was the threat of rain, but they did not care as thousands queued outside Royal Portrush from early morning showing the international appeal of The Open.

Even Americans, South Africans and Australians joined local golf fans waiting patiently to get in.

Home favourite, Rory McIlroy the 2014 winner, playing in his home country of Northern Ireland, sent his first tee shot out of bounds , and made a quadruple bogey on the first. Then, he finished his round ingloriously by posting a triple bogey at the last, as his bid for a home Open victory at Royal Portrush was left in tatters. No, we don't know what any of this means either.

More to come as we get it...

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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