Tiger Woods Says He Nearly Didn't Bother Turning Up

Written by Monkey Woods

Monday, 15 April 2019

image for Tiger Woods Says He Nearly Didn't Bother Turning Up
If I rush, I could just about make it...

Top golfer Tiger Woods has revealed how it was very much a case of "nothing ventured, nothing gained" last week before the start of the 2019 Augusta Masters, and when all his inner instincts told him it wasn't worth it, he decided to 'give it a bash' anyway.

What then transpired was nothing short of a miracle.

Woods, who hasn't won a major for donkey's years, thrashed his way manfully around Augusta like a man possessed, giving lie to the popular opinion that he was 'finished' as a top-class golfer, and that he should turn to commentary instead.

Said Tiger:

"Everything told me it was going to be a waste of time and effort. My swing was off, my short game was terrible, and I couldn't sink a putt to save my life. I thought about going to the beach, or staying in bed, but then a little voice at the back of my head told me not to give up, to give it my best shot, and you never knew what might happen."

This was last Wednesday, and Woods realized that, if he didn't get a move on, he wouldn't make it for Thursday's first round. He quickly got his clubs, rang his caddie, and packed his toilet bag with toothpaste, a razor and shaving foam, some soap, and some cotton buds to clean his earwax out. Then, he packed a small bag with some golfing clothes and some underpants, and headed for Augusta.

Only one thing was in his mind:

"Do your best!"

Well, two things:

"You've got nothing to lose!"

The rest, as we now know, is history because Tiger won.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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