The Pope Speaks

Written by Backandtotheleft

Monday, 1 April 2019

The Pope has declared that footballer Lionel Messi is “not God”, and also wondered out loud “if there was even a God”, because “fuck me this planets fucked”.

In his most candid and explosive interview yet, Mr Pope told Back and to the Left news that:
• You would not believe how many nonces are in the Catholic church
• His plans for putting a church on the moon
• Seriously, you won’t believe how many nonces are involved in running this fucking religion

The Pope said:

"When you get this job, it’s not just all kickass hats and baptizing babies, you get let right in on all the real nasty shit this religion's got up to over the years. They have a scrapbook they give to you on your first day. It’s frightening. The shit we’ve done….the shit we’ve covered up….the shit we’re still covering up."

He was visibly shaking, like the conversation was triggering past memories of terrible events. He composed himself before taking a slug from a can of Special Brew. He continued, less coherent, but as if he’d honed-in on his target.

"We’ve sent missionaries all over the world…..so many trusting nations….people just ripe for exploitation and…and…."

He drank again, and hurled the empty receptacle down to the ground, where it skittered away to nestle with a pile of others. He looked us square in the eye:

"Why do we have so many churches? Why do we have so many expensive-to-maintain-and-upkeep buildings?"

We hadn’t got a clue, and security were now trying to force the door open and stop our discourse, so we needed him to hurry up. He fixed us with eyes that have seen too much and said:

"The best place to hide bodies is in the foundations of listed buildings."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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