Creation of a New Extreme Sport No Holds Barred Golf

Written by C/L

Monday, 22 April 2019

image for Creation of a New Extreme Sport No Holds Barred Golf
People would get a real kick out of players being shot in the ass, as they try to chip their way out of sand, and water traps.

Even though there is a decent following in golf, most people around the world still think that it's a boring and irritating game. Watching long static camera shots on TV of people taking forever to tee-off, and all of that polite clapping afterwards - it's sickening!

I think that golf needs a shake-up. Golf should be combined with paint-ball to create a new kind of "No Holds Barred Golf".

People could then give proper vent to all of their deeply embedded hostilities towards the game itself.

No more would people have to stand half-asleep behind a cordon line, waiting for some boring dub, dressed like he's going off to sell cars, to take the fucking shot. Instead a team of retired special forces soldiers, armed with the latest in paintball weapons technology, would keep things lively.

They could lay in wait in the trees, filling every golfer on the course with a sense of overwhelming fear and dread.

Instead of boring as shit, announcers euthanizing people with each player's irrelevant stats, and trivial facts, they could be whispering to each other in wrapped suspense about who's skulking up towards the tee, behind the crowd. And when a paintball barrage might be let loose.

A blow-by-blow description of players being pelted as they try to make their desperate escape by golf cart up the fairway would keep people at home riveted, instead of wanting to pinch one off in the can, and make a sandwich afterwards.

People would get a real kick out of players being shot in the ass, as they try to chip their way out of sand, and water traps.

Golfers would finally be allowed to wack holes in the turf and throw their clubs through the air, as they let out a primal scream of rage.

Players trying to putt would have to compete quickly with paintball sharpshooters who would be trying to shoot the golf ball away from the hole, at extreme range.

Foul language tirades, open heckling from the crowd, obscene commentary from the commentators, it could be a serious contender in the world of extreme sports.

And the golf pro who ends up being the least easily deterred, and who can hold his shit together and make it to the end through all of the craziness, would be in the running to win.

This extreme version of golf could be its salvation, or it could be a psychotic nail in its coffin. Rest in peace, game of golf.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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